Your Spiritual Teacher Might Be Full of Shit And It’s Time You Knew It

Fair dinkum truth for anyone brave enough to hear it.

This isn’t about every teacher or practitioner out there. This is about the ones who’ve turned your spiritual journey into their personal ATM whilst hiding behind crystals and cosmic buzzwords. Whether they’re flogging yoga retreats, claiming to channel ninth-dimensional beings or promising to connect you with your dead nan for $999 a session some of these folks are taking the piss and it’s time we called them out.

Maybe they’re not enlightened. Maybe they’re not special. Maybe they’re the same damaged ego-driven people they were before they discovered sage bundles and started charging premium rates for repackaged self-help dressed up as “ancient wisdom.”

Stop making excuses for them.

The Performance That Would Make Home and Away Jealous

Watch them code-switch between their breathy “spiritual voice” and their normal voice when they think no one’s listening. Notice how their “divine downloads” always seem to download directly into their bank account. Observe how their unconditional love has more terms and conditions than an AT&T contract.

They bang on about ego death whilst building empires around their personal brand. They preach about surrender whilst clinging to their guru status like a koala to a eucalyptus tree. They claim to channel ancient wisdom whilst behaving like year seven bullies who’ve just discovered essential oils.

You’re not imagining it. They really are that performative.

“Sliding scale available” translates to “I’ll guilt-trip you into paying full whack whilst pretending to be generous.” “Investment in your soul’s evolution” means overpriced bollocks with a spiritual bow on top. “I only work with committed souls” means they want your money but can’t be arsed saying it straight.

Their intuitive insights about your life always require follow-up sessions to “go deeper.” Their healing modalities conveniently need multiple levels to be “truly effective.” Their spiritual gifts somehow always align perfectly with what’s most profitable.

Funny how the universe’s abundance always flows directly into their Commonwealth Bank account, isn’t it?

Challenge them and watch the mask slip faster than a politician’s promise. Suddenly you’re “attacking their light.” You’re “not ready” for their elevated teachings. You’re “projecting your unhealed trauma” onto their pure essence. You’re “operating from a lower vibration” and simply can’t comprehend their cosmic wisdom.

They can dish out unsolicited life advice like it’s going out of fashion but lose their absolute shit when someone questions their obvious contradictions. They can judge everyone else’s spiritual development with the confidence of a reality TV judge but throw tantrums when their own authenticity is questioned.

Here’s the thing: genuinely evolved people don’t have emotional meltdowns when someone disagrees with them. They don’t block critics on Instagram whilst simultaneously preaching about “holding space for all perspectives.”

Half their followers need these teachers to be special more than they need them to be honest. It’s easier to believe you’re learning from an enlightened master than admitting you’re paying premium prices to watch someone’s unresolved trauma play dress-ups.

The other half are too invested to admit they’ve been had. Acknowledging they’ve been conned would mean starting their spiritual journey over and nobody wants to admit they’ve spent years and thousands of dollars following someone who’s about as spiritually advanced as a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel.

Everyone pretends the emperor’s wearing robes because admitting he’s starkers means acknowledging they’ve been staring at his bits and calling it divine revelation.

Authentic spiritual growth makes you more honest, not less. More accountable, not more defensive. More willing to say “I don’t know” and “I was wrong,” not more convinced you’re always right.

Real spiritual teachers don’t need you to believe they’re enlightened. They don’t get their knickers in a twist when questioned. They don’t charge Mercedes prices for Honda wisdom wrapped in Sanskrit terms most of them probably can’t even pronounce correctly.

If someone needs you to think they’re spiritually advanced they’re probably about as evolved as a petrol station sushi roll.

Stop handing your power over to people who haven’t done the work they’re charging you to do. Stop making their emotional immaturity your spiritual assignment. Stop explaining away red flags as “tests from the universe.”

Your gut instinct knows when someone’s taking the piss. Trust it. Your bullshit detector can spot performative spirituality from the other side of the Harbour Bridge. Listen to it. Your common sense knows that truly wise people don’t carry on like wankers. Believe it.

The spiritual community is crawling with wounded healers traumatised individuals flogging trauma recovery whilst being triggered by their own shadow and narcissists who’ve worked out that spiritual language makes their manipulation harder to clock.

They’re not your teachers. They’re walking red flags with better marketing.

Real spiritual development is about as Insta-worthy as watching paint dry. It’s showing up to your own healing work even when you don’t feel like it. It’s owning your impact on others without making it about your spiritual superiority. It’s being honest about your limitations instead of pretending they don’t exist.

It’s not transcending your humanity it’s embracing it completely wonky bits and all.

Most of these so-called spiritual teachers haven’t transcended anything except basic accountability. They’ve just found more sophisticated ways to avoid doing the hard yards whilst convincing others they’ve already crossed the finish line.

Stop buying what they’re selling. Stop following people who are just as lost as you are but have better Instagram aesthetics and a more extensive collection of singing bowls.

Your spiritual development is your responsibility not theirs. The first step is learning to spot the difference between genuine wisdom and spiritual theatre.

The emperor has no clothes and honestly his bits aren’t that impressive anyway.

If this pisses you off ask yourself why. If it resonates trust that feeling. Either way stop giving your power away to spiritual con artists masquerading as enlightened beings.

Because sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is call bullshit when you see it.